Skip to main content

Stress

It's been a rough month, October. A bunch of things have happened to me and my family, none with horrific lasting harm but stressors nonetheless. To list a few my daughter had a car accident that bruised her, my son works in a congressional office that received a threat that didn't lead to harm, my wife (who works in a hospital) lost a long-term patient, and my car's engine had a serious defect that thankfully I have gotten confirmation will be covered by the warranty.  There's more but it's been that level of stressors.

I am obsessively self-observant; hey, I write a blog. My body reacts to stress. I don't sleep as well, which given my apnea means I sleep horribly. I take my tension in my back, two specific spots in my lower and upper back. I have trouble focusing on complicated issues and obsessively run through checklists of things I need to do because of these stressors, not wanting anything to fall through the cracks.

One of the hard lessons I've learned over the years is to lower my own standards to not compound the stress with self-criticism. I make errors but if I catch the errors and repair them then I can't self-flagellate too much. If I don't say the right words to loved ones when I need to there is still time to say the right words later, with a layer of apology for the lapse. 

I go through the motions to avoid making things worse. I find what I am capable of doing and take my satisfaction from it even if I want to do more.  I've made some peace with being human after many years of pretending to myself (and occasionally to others) to be more.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Holiday Break

I have been teaching for 37 years now, and I go through many of the same things at the end of the Fall semester each year. There is relief at the completion of a significant task (teaching each of my classes) but there is a good deal of physical and mental weariness and aches. I could sleep for several days straight if not for my sleep disorder. By and large my mind is not very sharp and as an introvert I try to be pleasant with loved ones but am not outgoing at all. With age the feeling of being drained deepens in more and more ways. Of course this is when we have, almost every year, taken a road trip to visit birth families in the Northeast, a full day of driving each way, often involving winter weather far worse than what we are accustomed to in NC. I love my birth family members as well but as with my created family I am weary and not very outgoing. The conversation is rarely about me and my day-to-day life but rather about younger family members and family friends that I do not kn...
Post a Comment
Read more

Accountability

Mathematics as a discipline teaches accountability. Every claim, whether it be a computation result or a statement (theorem) about how things work is accountable. We teach this accountability developmentally, with lower expectations at the beginning, and sometimes folk who study mathematics casually don't understand this. In my multivariable calculus classes, which I teach most frequently, I usually phrase my expectations as "give me a reason to believe your answer", citing my time working at an investment bank where my recommendations had financial repercussions and my supervisor never took my word for anything. In higher-level mathematics classes such as Abstract Algebra or Analysis I can be more explicit: these are the things we all agree to assume, these are the proof techniques which we understand; can you make an argument that convinces the community who have accepted those axioms and rules of inference that what you claim is true? We work hard to remove the ego fro...
Post a Comment
Read more

Contents of Most Recent Email to NC Senators

 Sent to Senators Tillis and Budd of NC this morning: My uncle was a police detective in Philadelphia before he retired. He showed his face and his badge to all he talked to on the job; he gave his name and business card to the public he served. This is what law enforcement officials have done in this country as policy until now; what if anything has changed?   The violent thugs serving in ICE are not law enforcement. They do not protect and serve; they attack and refuse to identify themselves. They are a paramilitary force responsible only to President Trump and his minions, who reflexively desecrate the memory of their victims. All dishonor themselves daily, all lack integrity. Immigration is a serious issue. Using brutal thugs to deal with it is like using a chainsaw to remove an appendix. The appendix may need to come out but using a chainsaw is a silly solution that kills people. It is painful to think of all the children incarcerated by ICE. It is unthinkable to all...
Post a Comment
Read more