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Groups

There are very few lives and even fewer that are satisfying that don't place a person in the context of a group, whether it be work, family, friends, etc.  My childhood had a great deal of stability and so the first group I was conscious of was my birth family. Later friends in the neighborhood and school classes extended that.

Many of us assimilate what it means to be a part of a group at an early age, with adjustments as our social networks evolve in the teen years and then the workforce, etc.  I played in a school soccer team for two years but I never really considered that to be formative; I wasn't very good at it and so I avoided a lot of relationships on the team out of shame at my lack of coordination.

On the other hand, 56 years ago, I started performing in music ensembles. While many males (the expectations are different for the genders despite the prevalence of excellent female athletes) do and are expected to learn group dynamics in athletic contexts, it was musical ensembles that did it for me. I have hardly ever performed a solo, so I have always tried to blend in harmoniously with my colleagues, trusted in the leadership of my conductor, and aligned myself with members of my section (whether the section consisted of clarinetists or bass singers, it's worked pretty much the same way). I think long before I could articulate it I felt that I was touching beauty in some form in performing music and it's been one of the longest relationships with an abstract concept in my life.

I was fortunate to miss the marching band competitions that started after I graduated from my high school; it felt purer not to have to defeat others in order to succeed. That's been my modus operandi for most of my adult life---my success has depended on the success of others. There are many environments where that would not lead to advancement but I've managed to find work environments where that form of group orientation on my part has been valued and rewarded.

As I face the prospect of retirement in the coming decade I really don't know what I will do with myself; I have identified myself with being a mathematics professor for so many decades and still love going to work each day, so the prospect of yielding to my cumulative weariness and weakness is scary. I have every confidence that if my health permits I will continue to participate in musical ensembles and that provides me with the kind of comfort you get from a strong relationship of over half a century.

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