Phobias

For the longest time I've articulated one phobia that I've had (claustrophobia) although I have other stressors on that spectrum. I avoid window seats on planes because the aisle is the most comfortable location for me for just that reason. I am able to spend almost all of my life without it being triggered (I am not an astronaut, etc.).

This past summer I went back to my current yoga instructor and took private lessons to help me to assimilate my knee replacement and how it has affected my strength and flexibility. (I did this once before, right after my knee surgery.)

Many of the postures were part of an arc of aging and putting weight on; I am starting from a pretty good place in my twenties and still profit from that investment of time. Unfortunately some of the balance postures triggered something akin to a panic attack:  heart pounding uncontrollably, sweat dripping off my face, etc. 

I am contemplative by nature and self-absorbed to the nth degree, so during the closing meditation that day I faced the event head on and achieved some understanding which has been helpful.

I started yoga in my twenties after studying judo for three semesters and aikido for one semester. I am not by nature physically aggressive toward others so there were real limits to my progress in the martial arts, but there was an area where I was clearly proficient. I learned to fall really well.

Since judo and aikido both involve throwing opponents to the ground, the beginning lessons are about how to fall without injury before learning to throw and be thrown. Some of it is muscle memory developed through repetition but there are some basic principles:  transform linear to rotational motion to distribute impact, never let your head hit the ground, at the end slap an entire arm or leg against the ground to distribute the remaining momentum. Ideally you finish by coming up on your feet again facing your opponent. 

It's not gymnastics but it is a skill and for whatever reason in my youth I took to it. By the time I started studying yoga I had no fear of falling. When in a small studio I was mindful of others around me so as not to hurt them while falling but it was not a problem for me to learn how to do a headstand: I just fell trying until I didn't. No big deal.

With my knee replacement (and the year preceding it using a cane) I lost that fearlessness and internalized fragility.

I've discussed this realization with my yoga mentor and it agreed with her decades-long experience of teaching me. Her advice was that articulating the fear should help to deflate it and she's right. I am clumsier now but I still know how to fall (if not bounce right back up again). I let myself fall a few times in the yoga studio and the muscle memory is still there. I am older and heavier but it is still a continuation of an arc and not a new path.

Since that realization I have taken two trips to other cities, both of which involved a good deal of walking and stairs. I have been more attentive of my movements than in my youth but the fear has not been there.

So I have two phobias that I can articulate and I deal with both of them. Life's like that.